Are we the existence we plan to be?
Even in planning there is spontaneity.
Are we the figments of our nightmares past,
Or just rambunctious forward-thinking rebels?

Fictitiousness, my ample imagination knows
Is a place where one can spend years. 
Living under the bridge of illusion
Not knowing which end comes
And which end goes. 

Now, as I stand on the water
Facing both to and fro
I see the ridges under my eyes 
Grow deep.

Looking out I am yet looking in. 
My reflection is not the same from 
Place to place. 
The walls have molded me
In a plaster of Paris cast.

I smile and seams shatter. 

So many masks,
Yet all are true. 
I wore them,
Wear them,
Retire them,
Recycle them. 

So, are they named?
Do they dream different dreams?
Have they met in a coffee shop
Somewhere in Brooklyn,
And wondered
"Do I know you"?

The water is above me
But I breathe air.
The cars float around me
Too busy to notice
They are all going backwards.

Benign as it is,
It would be good
If I knew
I was going backwards.  
Though going forward
Is going backwards
In reverse
Depending on the level of optimism involved. 

Ah, back on top.
The bridge is below me. 
I can see everything.
But I'm happy
Seeing as little as possible. 

I'll just stare at this candle
Until it moves me. 

There's so much to tell you
And no time to talk.

Exhale, inhale, exhale,
Water.

That's where the hand goes
Down and to the side.

Then make it
To the other edge.

For fear of my brain
Exploding out of my head

With ideas but instead
My ideas explode.

Before I can even
Speak.

Then I wait for the idea
To come clear

From the wreckage.

Periscope at the edge
Of a fence

Watching, looking
I'm lost with two mirrors

And no self-defense.

I'm pretty sure I'm also
Not wearing pants. 

So then, how is this,
Any of this,

A good idea?

To go on about some
Concept announcement

Without the single edged
Sword of a copywriter?

Purely hysterical. 

In the sense of not being
Able to breathe

Because I'm drowning

And I'm sure that its water
But my lungs say its air.

Then
Air it is.

Breathe. 

Tantalizing, isn't it?
The idea of the not?
The have and the would have had had it not been for the having
Already?

How have you been?
How has it become this way?
How did you get here?

Let me find my history.

I'll look it up in this book
Called my livre,
Shu, something.
Its a... word, I'm sure.

The history has itself,
And it makes itself known as such.

No point in being perplexing, we have all the facts,
We've found that without them that would be that. 
We'd all be over, and under, and done. 
Medium rare, poorly cooked.

A sad sight for the cost we charge
To live, our lives have the meter running
And our rates are not as high as we think.
Ask the driver to take you there for fifty. 

You'll get there for twenty.  Tip the rest. 
Still, no need to explain the fear.
The realness of real,
The hatred of here.

I'll take my now and play elsewhere
So that I can stop for a second and say
I lived for today for today was the day
That I learned to stop.


Still, I have to remember.  

It won't forget me. 


So where will I be if I fear myself
Because I thought I was lonely
When I lied to myself. 
No truth is as hollow
As the one you won't face.

I make the tree bigger
By turning away.  
Until a forest has grown
Behind my eyes. 

Miles and miles and miles
Of lies. 

The truth is in front of me. 
History repeats, the slide show from second grade
Is still on my class seat. 

With the ten dollars my parents had put aside
For something important. 

And I'm looking in the mirror to see if anyone notices. 

All this piles together
To form the big "thing."

The answer to my question
Where have I been?
Instead my brain should be asking
Where am I now?

For that's more important 
As it answers
Who am I now?

No more questions, no more qu... okay.
Just one. 

Who will I be? 

That's still to come.

Current Mood: anxious

Latest mixes here:

http://daveespionage.tumblr.com/post/516924014/love-starter-now-with-100-more-playlist

http://daveespionage.tumblr.com/post/538255987/the-love-public-mix

Latest photos here:

http://mrandmrsespionage.blogspot.com/2010/04/cori-vs-nature.html

Latest ramblings about things:

http://mrandmrsespionage.blogspot.com/2010/04/learning-curve.html
And so on, and so on...

Cori and I are enjoying a lovely time in Thailand. We've ventured to Chiang Mai, now we're in Bangkok, and we'll be finishing out the trip in Phuket.

This trip has taught me many things so far:

1) Buddha, he is taller than you, even when he is not.
2) Thai people are impressed when you can eat the real "local" level of spice.
3) Always request a new credit card when the old one is shut down due to fraud. Always.
4) Do not believe a man who says he is an english teacher if he is hanging out on the street with a towel in the back of his shirt at 11am on a Thursday.
5) Just because a hotel has cleaners doesn't mean that they will follow their namesake.
6) Bangkok is hot.
7) All the hippies in California moved to Chiang Mai
8) Elephants make great gifts.
9) Bangkok is hot, but in the way Phoenix is hot if Phoenix was next to the Ohio river.
10) Would you like that fried? Of course you would.
11) Thai is a hard language to pick up once you start learning Chinese.
12) Just because a sign is in english doesn't mean its in english.
13) Pulling out a map near more than one taxi driver is like bleeding in the ocean near a reef with a family of sharks nearby.
14) Tuk-Tuks are lawn mowers with a roof and a steering wheel.
15) Things are sometimes more expensive if they have to be made cold, because you're fighting physics.
16) French men laugh funny.
17) Italians terrify me.
18) Australians are the reason beer exists.
19) The harder someone tries to lower the price to get you to buy it, the more likely its better that you don't buy it at all.
20) American panhandlers have nothing on babies with missing legs.
21) If something is named a goofy name, its more likely due to poor translation than actual humor.
22) "Sugar free" is a mystical concept, except with water.
23) The water has one temperature: on.
24) Khao San Road in Bangkok is eternally on Spring Break.
25) The shortest distance between two tourist sites is a zig-zagging, curved, and twisted path.
26) Get on the boat immediately, even if it looks like its going to pull away from the pier suddenly, because it is going to pull away from the pier suddenly.
27) If someone sighs and reaches for a calculator, the price of what you want to buy just went up.
28) Lizards live in rooms. On the wall. Do not attempt to change this law of nature.
29) Everyone you think is the same nationality as you is actually German, occasionally French.
30) Everyone the same nationality as you thinks you're German or French.
31) When the taxi driver "has no change" start to count coins. Suddenly the taxi driver has change.
32) If someone asks where you're from, they're asking your nationality, not point of origin.
33) Any name brand can and will be mutilated in the name of profit. Example: Puma becomes Punta (silhouette of girl,) Pumba (The Lion King,) and so on.
34) Anything name brand is probably not name brand.
35) Watches: the bigger, the better. Flava Flav had it right.
36) If someone tells you that something is closed and they do not have a gun, they are lying.
37) Smile first, ask questions later.
38) Something with the word "Chez" in it is most likely lower scale than something with the word "Hippie" in it.
39) The car that is moving the fastest is more likely to stop for you than the car that is going 5 miles an hour.
40) That thing you thought you would never see for sale again? Walk five minutes. There it is again.
41) Shaving with "womens" razors is somehow better than shaving with "mens" razors.
42) That prepackaged, sealed food you left in the hotel room? It is now a miniature ant colony.
43) Its really hard for salesmen to argue with people that are complimenting them.
44) If someone says its "a little spicy" and they do not have a gun, they are lying.
45) If someone says its "really spicy" there is no way to turn that spice level down.
46) The number of taxis around is directly proportional to the number of drunk people around.
47) If an escalator only seems to have a door at the top and no other way out, its a trap.
48) In one block it is possible to obtain a custom-tailored suit, a tattoo, dreads, a cd at one-third its retail, a hammock, a foot massage, fried everything, and enough beer to bludgeon someone to death.

You forget who you are
Until you see yourself
In someone else's eyes.

The reflection isn't
Clear per se, its more
Of a watery, flexible you.

As it wanders down the slopes
And scales of its non-
Reflective terrain
You realize you're melting too.

A sheet of water
And boiling water
Sound almost the same
From inside.

Wrapped around me through
Racks and girders
The wash and rinse
Cleans the outside.

Almost as soon as I
Feel consumed
By the torrential
And continuous stream
I hear it cease and hesitate
As though its confused
And has lost its meaning.

Then it switches
To small splatters
And winding down with empty, hollow drifts.

Just as quickly as the
Kettle boils
The rinse of the world lifts.

I had put a link in my last post for a track.

This is that track.
Vasoline - Stone Temple Pilots (Dave Espionage My Fly Aline Rehack) by daveespionage

So, Here we are.

Hip-hop and Indie Rock samples are the new funk, soul and jazz samples.
Drum n' Bass is the new underground
Electro is the new Pop
Royksopp is practically writing Goa
The new minimal is Hip-Hop
Rap rock is back
The Wu-Tang's newest album isn't theirs.
Ethereal Breaks.. again... really?
All of this is just to say, I love music.